Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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