so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
