i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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