Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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