I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
