it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
