Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
