i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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