just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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