Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
