he thought i was a dude.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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