Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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