Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
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It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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