Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
