Girls should come with a carfax report
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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