Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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