peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
