what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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