In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
