wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
