i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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