I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
