Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
