I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
