Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
