Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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