maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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