you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
