The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.