I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She bit a glass in half.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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