The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here