I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
