There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's Friday. Sex?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
