I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
