i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
