Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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