I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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