You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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