Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize