my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
