you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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