There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize