I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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