I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
