Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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