The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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