Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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