did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I will be naked everywhere
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
