Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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