doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
