The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
