If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
