The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
