my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
