It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
