i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
