It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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