Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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