I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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