Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
