got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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