you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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